Oh Dave! Now

Last week I witnessed in the media two contrasting bits of information about same-sex marriage. The first was news reports about New York’s State Senate voting down a state-wide bill that would have allowed same-sex marriage, legislation vocally supported by Governor David Paterson. The second was the next day on Jeopardy. A female contestant, Emily Brown, discussed in the interview portion her play that was being produced (I think in NYC) about a secret love affair between Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson. She claims that study of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s stories reveals this closeted part of the Holmes canon. Coincidentally, during the course of the Double Jeopardy round, in a category called “Life in Des Moines,” this answer came up:

The annual Pridefest is more festive
since the April 2009 decision
that allowed this in Iowa.

Emily buzzed in and correctly questioned, “What is gay marriage?” Alex Trebek then quipped, “Sherlock Holmes and Watson again.”

Jeopardy has never been a conservative game show and considering that its creator Merv Griffin was rumored to be gay, it’s not surprising to see gay marriage included and discussed freely and without judgment. Its ease with the subject, contrasted with yet another setback in the legal battle for same-sex marriage, was bitter sweet.

Personally, I always felt that the advantage of being gay was the absence of pressure to get married, even for a serial-monogamist like me. If gay and lesbian couples are into public displays of affection and want to take it to an extreme, I support that for them, but it’s not for me. The passing of Prop 8 in California in November 2008, overturning the California Supreme Court’s legalization of same-sex marriage, was very surprising and upsetting. Ironically, another proposition in the same election passed, mandating more humane cages for farm animals, primarily chickens. The citizens of California are bleeding hearts when it comes to poor chickens that will eventually be eaten. Literal cages—as opposed to discriminatory cages—are so much easier to visualize and destroy.

(Tangent: if gay body-builders agreed to give their lives and bodies to human steakhouses, would people be more likely to let them enjoy marriage first? To keep their meat pure, if nothing else. Just a thought.)

After the right for California same-sex couples to marry was degifted, I put aside my personal objections to marriage of any sort and with my legal domestic partner Eric, I took to the streets to fight for our right to marry (after the election unfortunately, though before the election I created a reverse-psychology video for youtube that backfired and did nothing for the effort to defeat the prop). We ironed some slogans onto t-shirts and went down to a huge rally in front of Oakland’s City Hall. The t-shirts were designed to go together, a matched set, and a few people took photos of us standing closely together. Eric’s t-shirt said “We are OUTraged!” and mine said “We celebrated YOUR weddings!”

That’s what really pissed me off about the defeat of gay marriage, besides the obvious injustice and inequality. I have been to 20-30 opposite-sex weddings, several as best man or groomsman. And that doesn’t count all the TV and movie weddings I’ve sat through. The weddings I attended were of people I cared about, but I doubt that every one of those brides and grooms would come to my same-sex wedding, let alone vote “yes” for gay marriage. A lot of my straight friends and family members DO support same-sex marriage, and I applaud them. I just wished they all lived and voted in California!

I have been to only one legal same-sex wedding, and I went to that one twice. It was that good!! Actually, it was once as witness at the SF City Hall ceremony and then again at the family wedding celebration in the state of Washington. The family celebration was a particularly joyous occasion and it was moving to hear the men’s parents express words and tears of happiness and support for their sons’ union.

Okay, so the guys aren’t together anymore, but that’s beside the point. Neither are several of the straight couples. After Prop 8 passed, I vowed to never go to another straight wedding again until gay marriage was legal in the U.S.

And then this fall I was invited to three straight weddings and one reception. Talk about bad timing. Worse, two of the weddings were on the same day. The brides of both are voice students of Eric so he really wanted to attend, the wedding for the early one and the wedding and reception for the later one. He was also playing piano on one piece during the ceremony for the second wedding.

I refused to go to either.  Then the out-of-town soprano soloist for the second wedding, and her husband, who was officiating, asked to stay at our house the weekend of the wedding. I was torn and wished the marrying couples could have just followed the lead of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie who have been together for several years and publicly stated that they will not get married until all U.S. citizens, meaning me, can legally marry. (Thank you, Brangelina, whatever your motives.) I held out as long as possible but when the RSVP deadline arrived, I agreed to attend both weddings.

The first wedding was held in a bright, contemporary Berkeley Presbyterian church on a sunny afternoon. The sanctuary is a raked half-circle and feels like an indoor amphitheatre. The decorations and wedding party attire were elegant and classy, in simple colors of white, black, and deep red. The ceremony, however, was fairly traditional. An interesting twist on the scripture readings was to have married couples, friends of the bride and groom, stand together at a podium and alternate verses. The feeling and mood was light, joyful, and celebratory, even though there was no dancing in the aisle like they do in my home state of Minnesota (also that of the bride). I was glad I went and pleased that the ceremony had a bit of originality, different than any other I’d attended. However, it did appear that Eric and I were the only gay couple.

After going through the receiving line in the outdoor courtyard and sharing in a champagne toast, we hightailed it across town to the Scottish Rite Center on Lake Merritt in downtown Oakland for the next experience of wedding originality. The Center, built and run by Masons, is an imposing white stone structure with columns, and steep stairs leading up to a set of massive double oak doors. The interior is heavy dark wood and carpeting and reminds me of a medieval castle. You half expect to have a mug of beer and roasted turkey leg thrust into your hands when you enter. The medieval vibe makes the Center the perfect setting for the annual Christmas Revels—check it out if you’re in town. (And I wouldn’t be surprised if a future Dan Brown novel doesn’t unravel some nefarious Mason mystery at the Center.)

The wedding and reception were held in a large interior hall with high ceilings and a stage for a band, but little natural lighting. The ceremony was in a curtained off end of the room with rows of chairs set up to face a makeshift stage. My friend Amyrose, wearing a big wide-brimmed green hat that shaded her face, rose mysteriously to sing the opening Irish folksong “She Moves Through the Fair.”  Her husband Patrick had gotten ordained over the internet in order to be the wedding’s Officiant. He, the groom, the best woman, the matron of honor, and a bridesmaid, assembled up front. For the processional the groom picked up a guitar and sang Paul McCartney’s “I Will” to his bride-to-be as she and her father walked down the aisle. Very cool.

The bride then stood in front of the piano. While Eric played, she sang “The Cloths of Heaven” to her groom-to-be. Tears started to fall all around. The very non-traditional ceremony continued, highlighted by an Ogden Nash reading, a poem written by the bride’s mother, and Patrick’s “Definition of Marriage.”  In defining marriage, he advised the bride and groom, in part, that “from the moment you two recess down the aisle, you will begin helping to define what marriage can be for all of us… Over time, you both will grow, but your love will stay steadfast, as your vows to love each other persist even as you yourselves change.  As such, your love will undergo an expansion to include all the people you will become…The future of your love together is not predetermined solely by who you are.  Just as there are many meals you can cook with the same ingredients, and countless ways to combine the same notes into melodies, there are limitless possible kinds of marriage you two can choose to create together.”

He then led the couple through their touching, self-written vows and announced them “hitched.”

The reception was kicked off by the groom’s middle-aged father’s country rock band. For one of the first numbers the bride, a classically trained singer, and the groom belted out a country-western duet. Lots of fun. Each guest received an animal finger puppet as a remembrance of the event. During the course of the reception a double rainbow appeared over the lake across the street and everyone gathered at the double oak doors and on the front stairs to ooh and aah at the beautiful omen. Again, I think Eric and I were the only gay couple in attendance.

When the day was over, I was glad to have lifted my moratorium on straight weddings. If this was the direction straight wedding ceremonies were headed, then surely gay marriage was just around the corner. There was still one more wedding to go and since it was our best friends who decided after more than 20 years of cohabitation to get married, I was looking forward to it. Little did I know until the day of the wedding that theirs would be the gayest straight wedding of all!

We were the only gay couple there too, but it didn’t matter. To start with, the wedding was held in Manhattan at the top of the fabulous art deco Beekman Tower Hotel which overlooks the East River and the United Nations building. The setting fit perfectly with the couple’s Magic of Love wedding theme. The elevator opens into a high-ceilinged bar in the center of the 26^th floor. Two archways on either end of the bar lead down to two separate seating areas. Tables line the length of outer walls and windows of the restaurant with spectacular views of the city. An outdoor patio runs along the south end, looking towards the UN.

It was a partly cloudy October Sunday afternoon with an intermittent Arthurian drizzle. While we waited for all of the 16 guests to arrive, we partook of mimosas and were introduced to the family and friends of the bridge and groom. Once everyone was present, we made our way to the far corner of the west side seating area which was roomy enough for the ceremony.

Our friends Jim and Vicki are in their 60s and it was not the first marriage for either of them, part of the reason they waited more than 20 years to get married. They also feel passionately about marriage equality and almost pleaded a Brangelina. Instead, in lieu of gifts, they suggested that wedding guests give donations to battle the Defense of Marriage Act through DOMAwatch or the Human Rights Campaign.

For the wedding, a friend of theirs had also gotten his ordination on the internet and he began the ceremony by tossing a handful of glitter, or magic dust, into the air to bless the proceedings. Wearing a long black robe, he donned a pointed wizard hat and produced a magic wand with which he punctuated his opening words. Sparkly necklaces of stars and hearts were distributed to all in the party. The entire party then sang along to a recording of Billy Joel’s “Just the Way You Are.”

The couple had invited friends and family to speak or sing or read a poem, I thought during toasts at the reception, but turned out it was in the middle of the ceremony. With a gulp, I stood up first to recite/read a “poem.” They had wanted the wedding to be both fun and classy so I performed what was meant to be a comical mashup of the two. In exaggerated theatricality I spoke the lyrics to the song “The Rose.” I think it came off more as bad acting than anything. (In keeping with the magic theme I had hoped to pull a silk rose out of my sleeve at the end but had decided on this piece over another the night before and couldn’t find a store on Sunday morning.)

Eric read a tender piece from the “Velveteen Rabbit,” a close friend read a Navajo wedding poem, the bride’s rabbi nephew spoke extemporaneously and eloquently, and the bride’s 98-year-old mother stood and expressed the sweetest, most articulate appreciation of the couple that day. After the officiant’s words and blessings, and the tossing of more magic dust, the vows were given, and the bond was made official with a passionate kiss. Each wedding guest received a “Magic of Love” CD mix-tape, which played during the reception, as a souvenir.

It was wonderful to witness and participate in my friends’ public declaration of love and commitment to their ongoing life together. As the theme of their wedding showed, the magic of love is that it blesses a wide range of couples and partnerships, and isn’t restricted to the head-turning, giddy love of youth. And weddings can be an individual creative expression of the two involved, gay or straight.

Maybe gay couples can’t marry in California or New York, but given that the straight weddings I attended in those states have strayed from the traditional and lightened up in their celebration and definition of love and marriage, then there is hope for same-sex marriage in the near future. Maybe by that time, I’ll be willing to consider tying the knot myself. And if I evolve before the general populace does, then I’ll just have to move to Iowa.