Oh Dave! Now

In all matters of hair and skin, I tend towards the dry. I hereby offer you the telltale signs of a dry constitution.

You can’t open plastic bags at the grocery store.

I have caused scenes in the produce section. If the plastic bags don’t rip, then I’m struggling with getting them open. It helps to find the right end of the bag. I often end up having to blow them open which results in a kazoo sound and odd looks from other shoppers. My partner Eric gets impatient and frequently grabs the bag from me and with a quick flick of his thumb and forefinger parts the plastic. In terms of plastic bags, he has been blessed with oily skin. I have taken to running a finger over wet cucumbers and then using that moisture to get the bag open. Thank God for produce sprinkler systems—in the meat section the only available moisture is blood! No, I won’t lick my finger after putting my hands on a shopping cart.

You can’t open plastic dog poop bags.

Conversely to the grocery store, I have left dog poop on the ground because the damn bag won’t open. We buy biodegradable doggie doo-doo bags at the pet store because we walk our dog in the local park and have to pick up after her. If I don’t run my finger under the faucet and open the bag before leaving the house, I’m frantically blowing on the bag while our corgi Nia is pulling on the leash in order to move on from the scene of her biodegradable expulsion.

You drink a lot of water.

To understand this better, you should read The Case of the Missing Water Glass. I take a bottle of water with me everywhere, even sneaking them in to movie theatres as it’s my civil right to drink decent water without paying $3.25.  I know plastic bottles are an environmental concern but the fact that it’s the backseat of a Prius that is piled with empties to be recycled more than balances out the carbon emissions they cause, right?

Air conditioning gives you nose bleeds so you grease your nostrils.

I prefer to have the car windows open than to have the air conditioning on, whereas Eric has the AC on all the time, even in winter. After an hour in AC, my nose is so dried out, it bleeds when I blow it.

You carry lip balm in your pocket at all times.

For my nostrils, it takes a Q-tip and Neosporin to soften them up. For my lips, I always have a tube of Carmex in my pocket wherever I go.

You slather expensive lotion all over your body.

The harsh winters in Minnesota when I was a kid resulted in chapped calves and fingers. My mom made me put on Corn Huskers lotion every day—awful, goopy stuff even if it does work. When I was in my early 30s, a bad case of poison oak developed into eczema on my arms and legs. It took several years before it all went away, but a dermatologist early on recommended Moisturel ($12-14 for 14 oz.) and it’s the best thing for my dry skin. It’s not heavily stocked in drug stores if they carry it at all so when they have it, I buy several bottles. It’s not greasy, it’s practically fragrance free, and it’s the perfect consistency for a quick, full-body coating after bathing.

You have bottles of lotion everywhere.

So I have Moisturel in the bathroom, in my office at home, in my office at work, in my briefcase, in my gym bag.

And still you have bleeding cracks on your thumbs and fingers.

Which is what happens from washing my hands so much but better than getting the swine flu. I wash after petting the dog, after shaking hands with anyone, before putting groceries away, after opening mail. When I make a meat and cheese sandwich, I wash my hands after getting the meat out so I don’t contaminate the cheese. And then I get cheese on my hands so I have to wash before closing the cheese package so cheese grease doesn’t get on the outside of the package. It’s not compulsive behavior, it’s sensible.

You have a drawer full of tubes of prescription ointments and lotions.

Doctors rely on a lot of guesswork, almost as much as psychics. Dermatology is the worst. I had a patch of scaly, flaky scalp cultured twice, once by my Primary Care Physician and once by a dermatologist. Is it psoriasis? Impetigo? How about seborrheic dermatitis? They never figured it out for certain. Three prescription shampoos later, and it finally started to clear up, slowly, with a little help from putting conditioner directly on it as well. I also have partially-used tubes for what may have been shingles, eczema, fungal infections, and more–it’s hard to keep track. But I always make sure I take some of them with me on trips. You never know when something is going to flare up, especially with the stress and excitement of security checks.

You have no desire to visit supposedly arid states and nations.

I’ve been to England, France, Germany, Netherlands, and Italy several times but never to Spain which my gut instinct perceives as being warm and therefore dry. Same with Florida, Arizona, and New Mexico. I’ve been to Mexico and didn’t encounter too much dust and dryness like it always is in the movies. I get physically uncomfortable watching movies like “Lawrence of Arabia” and “Dune” that take place in the desert—too much sand and wind for my taste. Dries me out just looking at it.

You have an aversion to really salty foods.

Really, really salty food makes me retch. I’ll eat potato chips, pretzels, beef jerky, olives, and anchovies, but a little goes a long way. High doses of salt cause dehydration, my mortal enemy.

You LOVE moist food.

Give me soft, gooey cakes, puddings, and brownies. Spare me crunchy cookies, cardboard scones, biscotti, and crusty fried foods.

You like food and coffee piping hot.

Hot showers and baths definitely make my skin dry out. But for some reason I like my food and coffee to be almost too hot to eat and drink. Maybe the heat causes more saliva production than lukewarm or cold foods.

You crave spicy foods.

I can’t say I like super spicy foods but I do like foods with a kick, which is, I think, because salsa, peppers, and wasabi probably make my mouth water, making it easier to swallow food.

You avoid paperwork.

On a project several years ago, I got really behind in filing, mainly because I was doing the work of two people after someone quit. I sent the regional manager a photo of the filing stack when I requested some clerical help. But I also hate it, especially because the paper dries out my hands. Same with collating reports and opening mail.

Your temp administrative assistant brushes dandruff off of your shoulders.

She would come up behind me while I was working at my computer and sweetly brush off the “flakies.” When I told her sharply, “Please don’t do that,” she got upset. She stopped brushing off my shoulders but for about a week she would hand me documents with her arm outstretched from several feet away, so as not to invade my apparently overly sensitive space requirements.

You are great with chopsticks!

The first time I picked up chopsticks as a teen it was like second-nature. My skin is so dry that they don’t slip like they do in Eric’s hands. I can pick up a single grain of rice and gracefully lift it to my tongue. I should exploit my dry constitution and enter a chopstick competition with cash prizes.

You have a dry sense of humor.

I would have to, to have dreamt up this entire piece. Or to think that anyone would be remotely interested in reading it.